Biografía apócrifa: El puñetazo de Vargas Llosa a García Márquez

Retrato hablado de la escena del alumbramiento, según la vio Germán Valdés, Tin Tan.

A última hora de la tarde del 12 de febrero de 1976, una multitud de personalidades de la cultura y del espectáculo se agolpaba en el Palacio de Bellas Artes de México. Todos habían acudido a ese lugar, guiados por una estrella roja, para presenciar el nacimiento de un nuevo ser.

Tiresias, vidente beodo – o sea de Beocia -, advierte a Gabo sobre el duro parto de Puñetas.

Pero algo indefinible hacía presumir que la vida del neonato sería violenta, agitada; tal vez fuera el canibalismo de la película Supervivientes de los Andes – cuyo guión lo había escrito uno de los padres de la criatura, Mario Vargas Llosa, y que estaba a punto de estrenarse en ese mismo sitio –, el olor a rancio Realismo Mágico que se impregnaba en los muros del Palacio de Bellas Artes o las predicciones de Tiresias, el adivino de Beocia, que había subido de los infiernos para asistir al alumbramiento.

“Los padres sufrirán por su culpa, como Heracles sufrió por amor”, dijo el sabio de Tebas. Sin embargo, todos pensaron que se trataba de un miembro de la cienciología, ignorándolo con desprecio – varios testigos afirmarían, años después, que “si se escuchara siempre a los ancianos locos que suben del infierno, se evitarían las tragedias” –.

Gabo, Varguitas y José Donoso durante la luna de miel de los dos primeros – previa a la gestación de Puñetas – . En la foto también se pueden ver a las esposas de los escritores un poco aburridas de escucharlos hablar de la crítica kantiana a la arepa con huevo.

Poco antes de que la película empezara, uno de los padres, Gabriel García Márquez, “Gabo”, como era conocido en el mundo del hampa – por aquellos años enfrentaba un largo proceso por haber asesinado a Dios[1] – vio a alias “Varguitas” y se puso muy contento porque, según había dicho, necesitaba a su amigo para que le sostuviese la mano durante las labores de parto. Sin embargo, el recibimiento del escritor peruano no fue cortés, mucho menos cariñoso.

“¿Cómo te atreves a hablarme después de lo que le hiciste a Patricia en Barcelona?”, espetó este, refiriéndose justamente al momento en el que el niño fue gestado.

Primera foto de Puñetas junto a su sufrido padre.

El colombiano comprendió entonces que la criatura estaba a punto de nacer y se lo hizo saber al resto de la concurrencia pronunciando un teatral “¡ay!”, al tiempo que se desplomaba sobre el suelo alfombrado.

Los asistentes, que estaban seguros desde hacía meses de que el niño nacería por aquellas fechas, no sospecharon, sin embargo, que el alumbramiento sería tan difícil. De hecho, fue necesario que varios médicos sacaran al pobre Gabo en hombros, cual torero de las Ventas, para llevarlo a una casa asistencial.

El niño era enfermizo y de color morado – con el pasar de los días, mudó a negro y luego a amarillo, por lo que los médicos le diagnosticaron ictericia – y, desgraciadamente, no tuvo la cualidad de unificar a la familia como es el caso de otros bebés, sino que más bien los separó para siempre.

Por lo demás, la vida del pequeño fue breve y es muy poco lo que se sabe de ella. Haber nacido en el seno de una familia disfuncional en la que uno de los progenitores defendía los democráticos talentos del humanista y nada ambicioso Fidel Castro, y el otro, la sensibilidad de Adam Smith, hizo que el pequeño se convirtiera en un rebelde sin causa, enemigo acérrimo de las artes y los trabajos intelectuales.

Última foto de Puñetas junto a Gabo. Aquí se los ve a ambos sorprendidos por los extraños libros que pueden salir de la cabeza de un premio Nobel.

Durante las semanas subsiguientes al parto, Puñetas – nombre con el que fue bautizado la criatura – fue visto en Las Vegas, Montecarlo y Acapulco; siempre en estado etílico, libando en la vía pública o participando de combates pugilísticos ilegales.

“Nunca quiso aceptar nuestra ayuda – escribió José Donoso en una carta dirigida a su cónyuge –, es como si pretendiera ser un obsceno pájaro de la noche”.

Sara Montiel desaprobaba la conducta del joven Puñetas. Mientras le tomaban esta foto, comentó: “¡joder, niño!”

“¡Que le chinguen por pendejo!”, le dijo Renato Leduc a Carlos Fuentes, después de que este les comentara, a él y a Sara Montiel, la paupérrima situación en la que vivía el joven Puñetas en París.

Finalmente, todos se olvidaron del inadaptado, igual que del “Boom”, hasta que las autoridades lo encontraron muerto – a Puñetas, no al “Boom” – por intoxicación con alcohol metílico en un mugroso callejón de la ciudad de Macondo, justo detrás del McDonald’s que habían inaugurado un par de días atrás para celebrar el estreno de la película El barrendero de Cantinflas.

El año pasado, Alfaguara anunció que publicaría una biografía completa de Puñetas, escrita por Carmen Ballcels y llena de detalles truculentos, entre lo que destacan: asesinatos, estrellas de Hollywood en decadencia, mafiosos con nombres sutiles como Polenta e incestos que terminan con sus protagonistas convertidos en cerdos, ajiacos y ceviches peruanos.


[1] La crónica de este crimen nefando puede ser leída en Historia de un deicidio, escrita por el otro padre de la criatura, Vargas Llosa.

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